[Monday, April 07, 2025]
[8:40:59 AM
]
.opalescent.
my life.
my world. my thoughts.
my wishes. my hopes. my dreams.
my love.
me.myself.me
ser xing.
13/8/1988<.br>
ajc.
_tumbling into her thoughts.
drowning her tears in a bottomless cup of coffee.
memories are all tied in knots.
who is going to save her._
love
maple leaves.
boxes.
pigs.
link.linkie.link
[x]weini.
[x]qinghao.
[x]alison.
[x]edwin.
[x]sandy.
[x]yee shian.
[x]kang wei.
[x]yee wen.
[x]pei jun.
[x]celeste.
[x]khee onn.
[x]mei yi.
[x]evon.
[x]xue ting.
[x]asmond.
[x]kok wei.
[x]daniel.
[x]ser chuan.
[x]jason.
[x]joyce.
[x]yi wen.
[x]yong chuen.
[x]jenna.
[x]lucia.
[x]oli.
[x]sarah.
[x]yao hui.
[x]jie sin.
[x]kang li.
[x]pei qi.
[x]wei fang.
.past.
x[September 2004]x
x[October 2004]x
x[November 2004]x
x[December 2004]x
x[January 2005]x
x[February 2005]x
x[March 2005]x
x[April 2005]x
x[May 2005]x
x[June 2005]x
x[July 2005]x
x[August 2005]x
x[September 2005]x
x[October 2005]x
x[November 2005]x
x[December 2005]x
x[January 2006]x
x[February 2006]x
x[March 2006]x
x[April 2006]x
x[May 2006]x
x[June 2006]x
x[July 2006]x
x[August 2006]x
x[September 2006]x
x[October 2006]x
x[December 2006]x
x[February 2007]x
x[April 2007]x
x[July 2007]x
x[August 2007]x
x[September 2007]x
tag.tag.taggie.
.life.story.
it's the sec 4s' rod today. marks the end of their journey in bukit panjang combined corp. and i forgot about it. probably because no one reminded me..because no one mentioned it..because mingwei told mi it was the end of august..or perhaps because i didnt bother as much as i should have. looking at the sec 4s of today, the sec 2s of yesterday, now handing over everything to the sec 1s of yesterday just made me wonder about these 6 years of my life..and the past 2 years in in particular. and i felt like i've failed. i've failed in my capacity as an instructor. i've always believed in letting them know what's supposed to be done and leave them to do it. give them room to do things the way they think is right, the things they think is right. i don't wanna be there to dictate and prescribe their every move simply because i don't wanna cultivate a group of followers. followers of instructors..of officers..of teachers-in-charge..of rules..with no room for negotiation. i wanted to let them fall..to teach them how to get up..let them err..to teach them what is correct. the most memorable lessons are only when u tried and failed and u realize what's wrong. i don't wanna let them have me to fall back on when things go wrong..to have me to blame..to depend on me. because they should be depending on themselves. it's only when u make mistakes that u learn. it's only when u depend on yourself that u learn to cope. perhaps i started out with these intentions but that didn't really work out. maybe it's because i really didn't have much time with them..maybe because i didn't put in extra effort the way audrey does. she's always tried to shelter them..for reasons that're unknown to me. she provides them everything they need to know to do things 'right'. she tries so hard to bond with them. i don't. i never saw the need to. but now, for some reason, as this chapter of my life really closes, together with the rod of the sec 4s, i start to look back and reflect on all these things i've done. have i done enough? have i done right? have i failed in my role? i don't know. i look at all my cadets and think of all the times i've spent with them. all the things i tried to do. did i do the best that i could? i don't know. i never intended to wanna walk through all my cadets' 4 years of life in st john. but i found myself doing that. now that i've decided i don't wanna do that anymore, i can't do that anymore, i don't know what to feel anymore. i don't give a damn if they like audrey more. i don't give a damn about how much audrey tries. i don't give a damn about how i've never really become their friend. but what i give a damn about is, have i wasted these 2 years thinking i'm doing something but actually did nothing? have i really led them well? i wish i could be like jinlian. she could juggle the corp and earn everyone's, ok most people's, respect. she commands attention. she is capable. but yet, i didn't like her. because despite all these, the underlying reason why i couldn't respect her is her lack of openness..her lack of giving us room..her lack of giving us the benefit of the doubt. but then again, the irony is, that's how she succeeded in leading the corp.
ok so it's been a loooong loooong time. meanwhile..i've gotten back my mid years. BEBE. ha. yes yes..tonnes of people are telling me that that's quite a good grade while tonnes of people are asking me why is my results so unbalanced. yeah. right. as if i'll know why. all of a sudden i feel like there's no time life. it's the first time in my life i felt like that. weeks just zoom past me. yeah i certainly don't look like i'm stressed. just like a thief'll look like one. i'm trying to be calm..take 1 step at a time..and all that shit. but hell it isn't working. and i'm so tired. day in day out i just feel so exhausted. i know. i don't stay up all that late. i don't do that much work. but i still feel so fatigued. i've got a maths test tomorrow. trigo and vectors. yeah it's just 2 chapters but it's freaking me out. looking at how they download questions and do them is freaking me out too. man..this is unprecedented.
ok..let's seee..haven't been updating. haha..so the mid years have been over..for like more than 1 week. needless to say it sucked. well..for some reason i managed to get so low a grade for math. i knew i was not gonna do well but i didn't expect to do this badly though. oh well..shows i've got a long way to go for revising math. hmm..and bio..it was ok. i didn't do badly. yeah..so i guess it's a good thing i decided to take bio even though it kinda sucks to study for it..memorizing all the damned processes that goes on and everything. term 3 has started. and we gotta write our school graduation cert. have no idea what to write..but guess i'll make it up when the time comes. it's already the 10th. oh man. i'm totally not prepared for anything. sometimes i wonder whatever happened to my math..it's like..i don't know what happened to it after coming to jc.
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