Saturday, July 29, 2006

it's the sec 4s' rod today. marks the end of their journey in bukit panjang combined corp. and i forgot about it. probably because no one reminded me..because no one mentioned it..because mingwei told mi it was the end of august..or perhaps because i didnt bother as much as i should have. looking at the sec 4s of today, the sec 2s of yesterday, now handing over everything to the sec 1s of yesterday just made me wonder about these 6 years of my life..and the past 2 years in in particular. and i felt like i've failed. i've failed in my capacity as an instructor. i've always believed in letting them know what's supposed to be done and leave them to do it. give them room to do things the way they think is right, the things they think is right. i don't wanna be there to dictate and prescribe their every move simply because i don't wanna cultivate a group of followers. followers of instructors..of officers..of teachers-in-charge..of rules..with no room for negotiation. i wanted to let them fall..to teach them how to get up..let them err..to teach them what is correct. the most memorable lessons are only when u tried and failed and u realize what's wrong. i don't wanna let them have me to fall back on when things go wrong..to have me to blame..to depend on me. because they should be depending on themselves. it's only when u make mistakes that u learn. it's only when u depend on yourself that u learn to cope. perhaps i started out with these intentions but that didn't really work out. maybe it's because i really didn't have much time with them..maybe because i didn't put in extra effort the way audrey does. she's always tried to shelter them..for reasons that're unknown to me. she provides them everything they need to know to do things 'right'. she tries so hard to bond with them. i don't. i never saw the need to. but now, for some reason, as this chapter of my life really closes, together with the rod of the sec 4s, i start to look back and reflect on all these things i've done. have i done enough? have i done right? have i failed in my role? i don't know. i look at all my cadets and think of all the times i've spent with them. all the things i tried to do. did i do the best that i could? i don't know. i never intended to wanna walk through all my cadets' 4 years of life in st john. but i found myself doing that. now that i've decided i don't wanna do that anymore, i can't do that anymore, i don't know what to feel anymore. i don't give a damn if they like audrey more. i don't give a damn about how much audrey tries. i don't give a damn about how i've never really become their friend. but what i give a damn about is, have i wasted these 2 years thinking i'm doing something but actually did nothing? have i really led them well? i wish i could be like jinlian. she could juggle the corp and earn everyone's, ok most people's, respect. she commands attention. she is capable. but yet, i didn't like her. because despite all these, the underlying reason why i couldn't respect her is her lack of openness..her lack of giving us room..her lack of giving us the benefit of the doubt. but then again, the irony is, that's how she succeeded in leading the corp.

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ostensibly ephemerally tainted.
@ |7:09 pm|
Thursday, July 27, 2006

ok so it's been a loooong loooong time. meanwhile..i've gotten back my mid years. BEBE. ha. yes yes..tonnes of people are telling me that that's quite a good grade while tonnes of people are asking me why is my results so unbalanced. yeah. right. as if i'll know why. all of a sudden i feel like there's no time life. it's the first time in my life i felt like that. weeks just zoom past me. yeah i certainly don't look like i'm stressed. just like a thief'll look like one. i'm trying to be calm..take 1 step at a time..and all that shit. but hell it isn't working. and i'm so tired. day in day out i just feel so exhausted. i know. i don't stay up all that late. i don't do that much work. but i still feel so fatigued. i've got a maths test tomorrow. trigo and vectors. yeah it's just 2 chapters but it's freaking me out. looking at how they download questions and do them is freaking me out too. man..this is unprecedented.
u know..all of a sudden i feel so far away from xin jie. i don't know why. i felt so peripheral, like wat selina was saying, today. was with sarah tham..xin jie..and xin jie's friend. just felt like i was..marginalized. i've no idea what they were talking about, and i don't have anything witty to say..almost all of the time, i'm not interesting..blah blah blah. i shouldn't kick a big fuss out of it. but it just bothers me. oh well.
and i'm sick of alison. i'm sick of his attitude. if he's not gonna say anything, he can just go to hell.
oh well..tell myself i can do it..i can do it..i can get at least 3 As..
i can do it.
i can do it.
i can do it.
i can do it.
i can do it.
i can do it.
i can do it.
i can do it.
i can do it.
i can do it.
i can do it.
i can do it.
i can do it.
i can do it.
i can do it.
i can do it.
i can do it.
i can do it.
i can do it.
i can do it.

"somewhere in this darkness i'm alive but i'm alone. part of me is fighting this. part of me is gone."

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ostensibly ephemerally tainted.
@ |7:25 pm|
Monday, July 10, 2006

ok..let's seee..haven't been updating. haha..so the mid years have been over..for like more than 1 week. needless to say it sucked. well..for some reason i managed to get so low a grade for math. i knew i was not gonna do well but i didn't expect to do this badly though. oh well..shows i've got a long way to go for revising math. hmm..and bio..it was ok. i didn't do badly. yeah..so i guess it's a good thing i decided to take bio even though it kinda sucks to study for it..memorizing all the damned processes that goes on and everything. term 3 has started. and we gotta write our school graduation cert. have no idea what to write..but guess i'll make it up when the time comes. it's already the 10th. oh man. i'm totally not prepared for anything. sometimes i wonder whatever happened to my math..it's like..i don't know what happened to it after coming to jc.
anyways..just gotta mug ba. looking forward to the days after As..when u really don't have to bother about anything much except well..ur results..but then that's already set. i wish there's something i'm really good at. be it musical instrument..skill..sports..or whatever. just feel like i don't have a life..all i know is how to study. bah.

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ostensibly ephemerally tainted.
@ |7:07 pm|
Wednesday, July 05, 2006

點了最後一支香煙
拿著準備好的行李
好想打個電話給妳 卻沒有勇氣
多麼期待妳會再打來
叫我別走　妳的最愛　不必悲哀
電話沒響所有一切都一樣


＊還記得我們的承諾　總想起妳說過愛我 　
自暴自棄也沒有用　難到我真的想不通 　
雖然傷口越來越痛　感覺呼吸越來越重 　
不會再　停著一直做夢 　
哭也沒用　忍著傷痛　Yeah 　


離開妳我真的痛　妳不知道　妳不知道 　
哭著　看著妳　離開我 　
妳看不到　妳聽不到 　
為甚麼　為甚麼　要離去 　
為甚麼　為甚麼　再相遇 　
已變成　陌生人＊


看著我們當天的那照片
當天我們的記念
那灰藍的天　又再回到從前
躺在我的懷裡看夕陽
妳說希望永遠都一樣
不管怎樣不停回想
結局過後　還能怎樣


REPEAT＊


多麼期待妳會再打來
躺在我的懷裡看夕陽
妳說希望永遠都一樣
多麼期待妳會再打來
雖然傷口越來越痛　感覺呼吸越來越重


離開妳我真的痛　妳不知道　妳不知道
為甚麼　為甚麼　要離去
為甚麼　為甚麼　再相遇
哭著　看著妳　離開我
妳看不到　妳聽不到
為甚麼　為甚麼　再相遇
已變成　陌生人

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ostensibly ephemerally tainted.
@ |11:52 pm|