Saturday, December 31, 2005

sometimes people think too much. worry too much. plan too much. try to control too much. but we realize at the end of the day that really whatever happens..there's no pre-emptive measures we can do. all we can do is take things as they come and see what we can do about it. there is no fool-proof plan. guess there are things we know but yet cannot make ourselves do.
going east coast tomorrow..ocip outing..well..hope it'll be fun. now i'm like totally don't give a damn about my hw. whatever.

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ostensibly ephemerally tainted.
@ |9:43 pm|
Friday, December 30, 2005

u tinted my life with colours of the rainbow.
u captured my heart like a cupid's arrow.
weaving your way into my heart like a river meandering through the mountains
banishing others from my mind like the invasion of a virus

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ostensibly ephemerally tainted.
@ |10:46 pm|

argh. like wth. i finally have a day off..no st john no nothing and i get so giddy i think im gonna die. went to see the doc. said something about the balancing thing in the brain. so gave mi medicine and went home. sighs. sch reopening soon..i haven't touch my hw..gotta start later..bio and chem..chiong!!!

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ostensibly ephemerally tainted.
@ |8:16 pm|
Friday, December 23, 2005

why can't u get it? why, after so many years, u still don't get it? when will u start thinking from my point of view? when will u start to think that my ideals, my values, my principles and my thinking matters too..that they are not wrong..that they are no less inferior to yours just because i'm much younger..my feelings and my views are not wrong just because they are different from yours and that you're much older. the fact that you've been through many things doesn't make the things i've been through void and less significant. you have your life and i have mine. stop trying to impose your ideals and your principles into mine. if you haven't realized, i've grown up without you. just because you have your temper and your principles doesn't mean you can just shout at me and dig out all the past histories to justify yourself. because these do not justify yourself. i am no longer the small kid who had to do whatever you please because of your tantrums, your temper and your endless ranting about your logics your rights your experience your everything. you only come to me when he's not there. and you bite around like a mad dog when he's not there. i'm your sis. i'm not the toy you can bite and throw and do whatever shit you want with just because your mood is lousy or you are getting pms. you throw tantrums and your temper like drinking water. and everyone is supposed to do what you want? before you start criticising about how i do not contribute to this family, about how i do not do my chores, about how i am lazy and leave my things around and so on, reflect on yourself. have you ever washed your own clothes? who is the one shouting and throwing her weight around just because things don't go her way? who is the one who woke the entire house up and threw her temper just because of a cockroach and started screaming when father did not try hard to catch it? who is the one who expects the family to be at her beck and call? i'm sick and tired of your shit. you can do whatever you want with your boyfriend. you can neglect everybody else in the entire world except your boyfriend. i don't give a damn. but please do not come back and expect me to be there for you to want to be with you when he is not there. i have my own life. i am not gonna give in to what you want just because you are my sister. i'm sick and tired of how u launch into your lecture about how little i contribute, how irresponsible i am, and your logics and justifications about every shit you throw me. i'm sorry but shouting at me and throwing my things and threatening me and launching into your lectures ain't gonna work. not anymore. i am not gonna give in just because of your rantings and your threats. not anymore. just go away. leave me alone. i know that you are not me. i know that you want the best for me. but when are you gonna realize that what you think is the best and what you think is right may not be the best and may not be right? when are you gonna realize that you do not understand me? that you do not know me? that you never did? and the naked truth is that you never even tried to. you just assumed. you assumed you know me. you assumed that you understand everything i feel. you assumed that what you think is right is right just because you are 9 years older. you don't know me. you never knew me. and it seems like you never will. the point is if you don't even try to understand me, don't even try to impose your principles and all that shit on me. because all it shows is you do not respect me. you do not respect how i feel. you do not respect my views. i've lost count of the number of times you treated my thoughts and feelings with mockery and contempt. i don't need that from my sister. you expect me to respect you when you don't even treat my friends with basic courtesy and mock them just because they do 'stupid stuff' like i do. respect cannot be demanded. it has to be earned. this is something you told me. then practise what you preach. walk your talk. i am not a replacement for your voidness when your boyfriend is not around. it is plain that i only seem to be visible when he is not around. other than that you either continue to throw trantrums at me or simply do not bother. whatever your intentions are behind what you do, it is not gonna make me tolerate all the shit you give me. what comes out the wrong way comes out the wrong way. the intentions do not justify them.
my idea of neat is not the same as yours. just leave me alone. all you told me ever since i came back was to clear my stuff and clear my room and clear my stuff and clear my room. you never ever did ask me how was the trip and how was everything. you never even asked me anything about the trip or how am i or how i felt. all you started to do was to complain about my room and my mess and make me feel like shit. it is not that i wanna go out everyday. i have to accompany my friend becomes she's not gonna come back for 3 years and she's staying with us. and i do not happen to be a heartless piece of shit who will not give a damn about my friend. do you know or try to see how tired i am? do you know that i haven't had a good rest ever since i went there? that no matter how comfortable i am there i wake up once every few hours or once every hour there? that i'm really very tired? stop thinking that i am not tired and i am not permitted to be tired just because i'm not working. stop insisting that you are right. stop insisting that i am not doing what i should be doing. stop insisting that i never tried. all you do is scream and shout and throw and threaten. just stop it. i tried to talk to you..but all you ever do is launch into ur lecture and justifications. i don't need your views. i don't need your logic. i don't need your justifications. i just need you to listen to me and to try to see things from my view..try to know that you do not know me. stop getting so aggressive. stop getting so defensive. i don't need that. all i need is for you to listen and to try to understand certain things. but you don't. if you choose not to..then leave me alone. i'm tired of all this.
maybe it's time you get to know me. but will you even try when you don't even realize that you never did know me and you still don't..?

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ostensibly ephemerally tainted.
@ |6:47 pm|
Monday, December 19, 2005

words cannot describe how i felt for the trip and everything. words cannot describe nor do justice to the whole experience in ban nam ree pattana school. the kids made mi realize a lot of things and let mi see wat i cannot in singapore and wat i noe i can never have. it's not only the kids there but the people there. how much they welcomed us like VIPs and tried to do so many things for us and really appreciated us. i guess it is inevitable that eevn though we did not embark on this expedition with the intention of changing their lives or impact the children and the people significantly, deep inside us everyone wishes to be able to accomplish and achieve something noble and remarkable. somehow i feel that our impact will only be temporary and minial, we are just people who went there with hopes of changing lives and building a better place but leave knowing they made more impact in our lives. life goes on without us. what we taught them and brought into their lives are no necessities in their simple and contained life. they dun need to noe english to survive and carry on their lives. we think we are trying to improve their lives but are we really and can we really? and as much as we marvel and praise their innocence, genuinity and 'envy' their simple but contented life, we still choose the innoncence lost, complicated and discontented life we lead.
when i went there, i was uncertain of how life will be. turned out the food was great. the people are great. the kids are so innocent..genuine..lovely..lovable and playful..enthusiastic..and cute. with all the games and songs we introduced..they participate with great enthusiasm and vigour that surprised and shocked us. they plucked tonnes of roses and flowers for us. they became so much a part of my life. the scenery. the school. the people. the cold. the music. i've grown so used to the breathtaking scenery..the teachers..the cold..the worry about the water heater..the laundry we had to do regularly..the cold shivers in the morning..the radio blasting thai songs at 6+am..the rooster..the stray dogs that run away when humans go near..the washing of dishes beside pails..hanging of clothes on ruffia strings..disgustingly dirty socks..removing footwear..screams and shouts in thai..children playing sepak takraw alongside those playing soccer..the metal netted soccer net..queuing for food..rice for every meal..the laughter..the lack of connection to 'civilisation'..the bugs and insects..and so on.
as i stared at the kids during the last few days..i teared. i cant see them again..after i leave. they taught mi so much and made mi realize so much. they are everything i am not and i am everything they are not. they made flower rings..and their voices singing chang chang chang..mon son pa..kayak..and other songs kept ringing thru my head..their smiles kept flashing in my mind..it seems as though they are the teachers and they are teaching mi stuff i never knew. on the pickup to nan airport..as we drove off..as we cheered the nam ree cheer at ban nam ree pattana school for the last time ever..i cried. i cried and cried and cried. as i hear 'i'm on the top of the world looking down on creation and the only explanation i can find. it's the love that i found ever since you've been around. your love puts me at the top of the world' running thru my head..what i feel is indescribable. leaving knowing you'll never go back because you can't is hard. i love them. the people. the place. everything.

Top Of The World
Such a feeling's coming over me
There is wonder in most everything I see
Not a cloud in the sky
Got the sun in my eyes
And I won't be surprised if it's a dream
Everything I want the world to be
Is now coming true especially for me
And the reason is clear
It's because you are here
You're the nearest thing to heaven that I've seen

I'm on the top of the world looking
down on creation and the only explanation I can find
It's the love that I found ever since you've been around
Your love puts me at the top of the world

Something in the wind has learnt my name
And it's telling me that things are not the same
In the leaves of the trees
And the touch of the breeze
There's a pleasing sense of happiness for me
There is only one thing on my mind
When this day is through I hope that I will find
That tomorrow will be
Just the same for you and me
All I need will be mine if you are here

I'm on the top of the world looking
down on creation and the only explanation I can find
It's the love that I found ever since you've been around
Your love puts me at the top of the world

I'm on the top of the world looking
down on creation and the only explanation I can find
It's the love that I found ever since you've been around
Your love puts me at the top of the world

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ostensibly ephemerally tainted.
@ |1:43 am|