Friday, March 17, 2006

arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr blogspot got problem!!

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ostensibly ephemerally tainted.
@ |1:19 pm|

suddenly i forgot all about my opendiary until they sent an email to me telling me it's gonna be deactivated if i still do not go and update it. that diary was the 1 i had since i was sec 1..and i sorta stopped writing in it ever since i was sec 3? guess it contained many many parts of my memory. some i just wanna forget about and move on with my life. some are so memorable i don't need it to remember them. but it sort of tracks my growth. and the change in me since i was sec 1. i guess gradually but surely, i've changed a lot. everyone changes. we may not notice it but we do. but what kind of person have i changed into? a better person? a worse person than before? i don't know. and i guess that's not for me to decide.

during the st john camp..it was weird. it's weird seeing all those students around..sec 2.. sec 3.. sec 4. it seems as though they're about my age..but yet the age gap seems so great. the sec 2s weren't even in bp when i graduated. it suddenly occurred to me..i've really grown old. 18 years old seemed to be so far away..something that'll probably happen when i'm close to 80. and those boys are very cute..as in..cute cute not good looking cute. ha. oh well..i miss the life in sec sch..when everything revolved around st john..Os..bpghs. then and now, i knew and know very well that's the place i wanna be, that's the best decision i made in my life that i couldnt be more right about. sitting down there in the canteen..watching the bunch of ill disciplined lethargic campers cheering the bp cheer at the top of their voices..it came back to me all over again. why i loved and still love bp so much.

then i was sms-ing tuan yeow..den like..i started to wonder..what is it that keeps making me go back for st john..even if no one's going back..even if there's nothing much to go back for..nothing much to do. is it really because of the so called passion and commitment? i doubt so. maybe i'm juz looking for something to show my worth. maybe i'm just looking for something i am unable to get in aj. maybe i'm just trying to remind myself that all is not lost, that life is still great. or maybe it's a combination of everything.

6 more months. 6 more months to freedom. to release. to living my life the way i want to. to getting away from loads of crap. to going back to what i always was and what i want. and before the 6 months come..guess i gotta work hard..or else i ain't going anywhere i want, ain't doing anything i want, ain't gonna be whatever i was and want.

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ostensibly ephemerally tainted.
@ |12:52 pm|