Saturday, March 19, 2005

after all that's happened lately..i can't help but think about my life. think about the things in my life and all that crap. somehow..i've been getting more and more bothered and fan nowadays than i used to be. is it the new environment? is it the series of important and implicating decisions i had to make? is it the fact that when i wanted something to happen and it didn't for so long..but when it finally did, it doesn't matter anymore? is it that people have come and go? is it that i feel sick and tired of being the pillow that takes the beating and frustration? is it that i'm sick and tired of having whatever i do pointed out as not good enough or should not be done this way? whatever. i felt so much like crying yesterday. for the past 2 days, the camp has got me busy. and suddenly when the camp broke and i think of all that's happened during the camp, after the camp, people, and the fact that for so long i feel like no one is listening to me at all, i feel so damn much like crying. i went out, met my og friends and i felt sick. but i don't wanna go home. i just don't want to. i don't know what i'm doing. i tried to be happy..to enjoy myself..to laugh..to do whatever crap that they are doing. but somehow i feel so alienated. my supposed good friend is doing precisely whatever that makes me upset. and i can't cry outside. so i should go home. right? no. my sis's at home. i'll only quarrel with her..attitude her..end up making the both of us pissed. as years passed, instead of getting closer, we're just drifting further and further apart. i never told her my problems. i never confided in her. that's because i just know too damn well what kind of reactions she will have. it'll be of no help. on the reverse, it will only make me feel worse. i can't contact syek yi. and for a long time joyce's out of reach too. she now still is. i'm sick and tired of jinlian telling me i should not do this do that and then when i'm not doing thing question me with that kinda tone and look as if i did something wrong by not doing anything. she doesn't damn well understand. all she's good at is trying to pick bone out of an egg. and she ALWAYS succeeds. so, it's my fault that i can't open my eyes in the bright sunlight but she can't. so it's my fault that i didn't tell the cadets to do anything when the ICs are supposed to do so. so it's my fault that i hung around the station when i don't even know where else to go what else to do. it's my fault. back home, it's my fault that i'm so tired that i don't feel like talking. it's my fault that my sis still wanna make me talk. it's my fault that she became angry after my replies showed that i don't wanna talk. it's ALWAYS my fault. has she ever ever wondered why. why the hell can't she just leave me alone the way i do when she gets like that? i'm sick and tired of her tantrums, of her aggressiveness, of her attitude, of her being so unreasonable. why is it that..for so long i've wanted it to happen..but for so long it didnt. and when it finally did, it's too late. why is it that i'm so bothered. why is it that she is doing this? just her nature? because she wants to? i feel cheated. lied to. deceited. and she doesn't even bother when i walked away.
i'm so tired. tired of having no one to talk to. i just wanna sit there and cry. and cry. and cry. where is everybody when i need them? no one's there. i'm tired of trying to hold on together, of trying to hold things together for people, of listening to people but having no one to do that to me. i just wanna cry.

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ostensibly ephemerally tainted.
@ |10:17 am|