Thursday, March 31, 2005

SAJC OG 20 ROCKS!
SAJC 05S51 ROCKS!
haiz..oh god..i went back to sa. for the orientation finale. to see everybody again. i saw xueyi poh jee they all..we hugged and hugged..i missed them so much. den i saw anna..we hugged like crazy..and we started tearing..and den i went to see alison and guna they all..den i started crying. i started crying and crying. den saw jieying adeline jooyeow. oh and benjamin too. he was soaked. den i started to find all of my classmates..den we kept hugging and hugging and we started crying all over again. kai lin was crying like hell. telling mi she wanna come back. i started crying so hard. so hard. i kept crying and crying. and den we gathered in a circle and for the first time. we cheered a cheer for our class. our class. 05s51. the class i believe i hated. we hugged..we promised to meet up next week..den we didnt wanna leave each other..kept holding back and hugging and crying all over again. sherelynn and yilin saw mi..they already red eyed and cried..den they say they feel like crying again..and we hugged. den i went over to find li xian and og20..den i was already red eyed and teary. den li xian started crying oso and said she missed us so much. oh man. it is juz a repeat of hugging and crying and not wanting to leave each other. oh man..i noe i love sa. i noe i love them. but i didnt noe this much. i looked at the banner of SAINTS. the one that had my thumbprint on it on the I. it has a part of all of us. the fun times i had with all of them. the finale night of the first orientation..when we all went mad and crazy. oh god. sajc.
suddenly i feel like the trouble i made to go to the class outing at east coast..going back cck..taking a cab tt cost mi $20 there and taking a cab tt cost mi $16.50 home is all worth it. suddenly i feel like everything i did in sa is all worth it. we ARE going to meet. og 20 and 05s51. og20 next weekend..we WILL meet. with li xian. 05s51 IS meeting. next week..after sch. we will. we so will. haiz. my bag will always hold the sajc collar pin. always. sajc rocks my world.
today is the first day..i feel happier. real quite happier in my class. starting to be optimistic about life in ajc. and den this happened. ha. as i said. i will learn to like ajc. i noe i will. but i oso noe tt no matter wat..i will never love aj. much less love ajc as much as i love bpghs and sajc. i will try to make the best out of my situation in ajc. but tt doesnt mean i will love aj. making the best out of things isnt loving wat u noe u dun and will never love. i feel like i shld never have gotten out of sa. but den again. all the while i noe i will. it is not a matter of moving on. of putting the past behind mi. of facing up to reality. i noe wat everybody says. but that's not the issue at all.
*once a saint..always a saint.* always.

the scientist - coldplay
Come up to meet you,
Tell you I'm sorry,
You don't know how lovely you are.

I had to find you,
Tell you I need you,
Tell you I set you apart.
Tell me your secrets,
And ask me your questions,
Oh, let's go back to the start.

Runnin' in circles,
Comin' up tails,
Its only science apart.

Nobody said it was easy,
It's such a shame for us to part.
Nobody said it was easy,
No one ever said it would be this hard.
Oh, take me back to the start.

I was just guessing,
At numbers and figures,
Pulling the puzzles apart.

Questions of science,
Science and progress,
Do not speak as loud as my heart.

Tell me you love me,
Come back and haunt me,
Oh, when I rush to the start.

Runnin' in circles,
Chasin' tails,
Comin' back as we are.

Nobody said it was easy,
Oh, it's such a shame for us to part.
Nobody said it was easy,
No one ever said it would be so hard.
I'm goin' back to the start.

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@ |9:21 pm|
Sunday, March 27, 2005

hmmz..today's another boring day..hahaz..went causeway with sarah..cos she meeting her frens there den i need to buy some stuff so juz meet her before tt. yyup..hmmz..at least i'm feeling better abt aj now..*prays tml will be betteR*..hahahaz..and *prays my class will be nicE* hehe. somehow..i actually miss 05s51..hahaz..soon..there will be another batch of 05s51..it wun be 'my class' anymore. *sigH*

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@ |7:16 pm|
Saturday, March 26, 2005

boO! hehe..im becoming happier by the day..maybe the suayness if fading..hehe. actually today oso nobody go out with mi..a bit sian..den kept sleeping and sleeping..oh man i can feel the fats accumulating around my stomach..i'm getting a bigger and bigger tummy by the day!! oh man!! *horroR*. hahahaha..whatever. anyway..today..for the past time in so many days..i saw my sis. hahaz..and thank goodness she's no longer as terrifying. we talked. hahaha..so nice..so i'm happier! hehe..even though she moving into another room..maybe it'll really be better..yeah..and tomorrow my mum's making sushi!! hehehe..yay!!! can eat!!! hahaha..i keep eating and eating..but..well i guess the tough pe in aj's gonna force me to exercise and hopefully lose weight..right right? and..the lousy food gonna make me eat less..so..therefore makes my eating justified. hahaha..yeah anyway..as my sit up is lousy..everyday i must do sit ups..hahaha..cos the pe in aj's horrible..cannot be like so paiseh..everybody do sit up sooooo easily except me. hehe..

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@ |8:16 pm|
Friday, March 25, 2005

boo. i'm still not liking aj. ok. i will work hard. anyway i pissed jiayi off. haha..she asked mi how's orientation..i said sucks. she said my tribe's on of the most enthu i said 'doesnt seem so. if that's so, it's pathetic.' she got pissed and said i shouldn't go if i don't like it. i said i don't have a choice. she said don't put aj as one of the choices. before i could even say how the hell am i supposed to know it's gonna suck so much as i do not happen to have supernatural powers? she went offline. ha. like i actually give a damn. it IS true that the orientation sucks.
today met joyce..after such a looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong time. haiz. i miss her..arghh..

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@ |10:48 pm|
Thursday, March 24, 2005

ok..update abt ajc. ok i feel much better today. but the sch is still as boring as dull as not happening. and the ppl are still as lame and as time-wasting. yyup. today played games..talked more..cheered more..can tlel at one point the OGFs were si xin liao. but thank goodness..after tt one point we started cheering and cheering..hahaha..so..they never si xin? i hope. i feel so bad for making them so sad even though i feel miserable myself. hahahz..hmmz..yeah..didnt really eat much again..den ran around the sch..so tired..den they teach us this damn long and complicated dance tt i sort of cant get? nvm..i'll get peijun/sarah/whoever to teach me. hahaha..i wanna learn it as in really know. like so fun. that's the only thing nice? lol. so the the OGFs don't seem so upset..makes me happier also larz..but then again..very very very very tired. for some reason i am just SO tired. yeah. oh yeah and this girl..haiz..i also don't know what to say. fell down. then it's like..slight abrasion only..machiam laceration or chopped off the leg liao. i mean..my fall at east coast was much worse larz..not to say my previous falls. slight abrasions don't kill. *sigH*
i miss sa. so much. they tell me a lot of people appealing back. but as much as i want to..i know i won't. i really won't. cause of the distance and teachers, i love everything about sa. i love sa. sa rocks. hahaz..the 3 months in sajc are the moments i will never ever forget. especially OG 20. and even 05s51. i miss everything about sa. everything. haiz. i am trying hard to like ajc. cos i know i will never love ajc. haiz..since i'm there..i'll try to make the most out of it. yup. everything happens for a reason. yay tomorrow can slack..hahaz..good friday! but then again..i'm thinking whether should i go for the finale on monday night..haiz. well..i'll see if xin jie's going ba.

_cos these are the days worth living..these are the years we're given..these are the moments..these are the times..let's make the best out of our lives~

*once a saint..always a saint.*

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ostensibly ephemerally tainted.
@ |9:13 pm|
Wednesday, March 23, 2005

great. i'm in freaking anderson. it's ok. when i went to sch today..i told myself i gonna try and like aj. but i happen to belong to a f*** dwelling (og) which nobody cheers nobody bothers to respond nobody ever bother to TRY. f***. i'm so pissed. everyone is so dead. wanna stand up that time don't wanna stand up. tell them to cheer they don't bother. ask question no reply. how nice. what a great contrast to the ever enthu sajc. it's not helping that the people in my og suck. and it's bloody hell freaking not helping that my 3 OGFs are not very good either. ok firstly..jeremy. ok he's good. every single of my OGF friend told me so. and i can see it too. he IS good. but he's kept so busy doing everything taking thing and so on that a lot of times he's just not there. yeah. how nice. next, jameson. the freaking gay. he shouts and shouts nonsense, lame stuff, and try so hard to be enthu but ended up backfiring. the more he shout the more he does lame stuff the more it turns us off and the more it shut our mouths up. he should just shut up. he really should. and the girl. i can't remmeber how the hell do i spell her name but she can't get things done too. and i don't understand why they are not the ones running around doing things? when we doing intro..it's so obvious that nobody can hear but the 2 of them carried on. nobody knows who are anybody. and the guys don't even bother too. be it the 2nd in-takers or 1st in-takers. and i'm one out of 7 or 9 girls there? and oh i'm the only one who really bothers to wanna cheer. how nice. i'm feeling so freaking sick of aj. it makes me sick just looking at my og. cause i remmeber..OG20..starting we were freaking tired..don't talk don't cheer too. but by the end of the day we already started to cheer a lot and got to know each other sort of and by day 2 we were cheering like nobody's business. even though the games that we played in sajc were not THAT fun. it's the people who makes the whole orientation so fun and enjoyable. however, even though the games in aj are of the same fun standard as those we played in sa, on a scale of 1-10 to rate the fun-ness (is there such a word?), it's 0. yeah. that's how bad my freaking og is. i'm sick of everybody stoning. i'm sick of the 2 OGFs not doing any constructive to help the og. or maybe they don't know how to? but they really don't know how to get things done. and i'm so sick of it. maybe cause i'm biased due to what sarah and all told me..but jeremy's not bad. and anyway he didn't really have chance to interact with us today. and the other 2 OGFs are not helping him. they do not try to make the og bond or talk or cheer. they just tell us to. as if we're robots? i never wanted to hate aj. but now i really do. cos i really really hate my og. really. i dread going to school more than when i was back in sajc facing 05s51. cos at the very least, they are a whole lot better than this og called lakota.

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@ |8:30 pm|
Monday, March 21, 2005

you look into my eyes..i go out of my mind..i can't see anything..i can't help myself..i can't break the spell..i can't even try..? bah. hahaz..nice lyrics..i remember my friend once told me he doesn't like this song..i forgot who though..hahaha

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@ |9:51 pm|
Sunday, March 20, 2005

boO! for goodness sake i'm alright. don't treat me like some fragile doll. everyone has a bad day. alright..bad week maybe. going out with celeste today and talking to syek yi last night made me a whole damn lot better. cause syek yi understands..she damn well understands evreything..and going out with celeste always makes me happier..hahaz..

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@ |7:29 pm|
Saturday, March 19, 2005

after all that's happened lately..i can't help but think about my life. think about the things in my life and all that crap. somehow..i've been getting more and more bothered and fan nowadays than i used to be. is it the new environment? is it the series of important and implicating decisions i had to make? is it the fact that when i wanted something to happen and it didn't for so long..but when it finally did, it doesn't matter anymore? is it that people have come and go? is it that i feel sick and tired of being the pillow that takes the beating and frustration? is it that i'm sick and tired of having whatever i do pointed out as not good enough or should not be done this way? whatever. i felt so much like crying yesterday. for the past 2 days, the camp has got me busy. and suddenly when the camp broke and i think of all that's happened during the camp, after the camp, people, and the fact that for so long i feel like no one is listening to me at all, i feel so damn much like crying. i went out, met my og friends and i felt sick. but i don't wanna go home. i just don't want to. i don't know what i'm doing. i tried to be happy..to enjoy myself..to laugh..to do whatever crap that they are doing. but somehow i feel so alienated. my supposed good friend is doing precisely whatever that makes me upset. and i can't cry outside. so i should go home. right? no. my sis's at home. i'll only quarrel with her..attitude her..end up making the both of us pissed. as years passed, instead of getting closer, we're just drifting further and further apart. i never told her my problems. i never confided in her. that's because i just know too damn well what kind of reactions she will have. it'll be of no help. on the reverse, it will only make me feel worse. i can't contact syek yi. and for a long time joyce's out of reach too. she now still is. i'm sick and tired of jinlian telling me i should not do this do that and then when i'm not doing thing question me with that kinda tone and look as if i did something wrong by not doing anything. she doesn't damn well understand. all she's good at is trying to pick bone out of an egg. and she ALWAYS succeeds. so, it's my fault that i can't open my eyes in the bright sunlight but she can't. so it's my fault that i didn't tell the cadets to do anything when the ICs are supposed to do so. so it's my fault that i hung around the station when i don't even know where else to go what else to do. it's my fault. back home, it's my fault that i'm so tired that i don't feel like talking. it's my fault that my sis still wanna make me talk. it's my fault that she became angry after my replies showed that i don't wanna talk. it's ALWAYS my fault. has she ever ever wondered why. why the hell can't she just leave me alone the way i do when she gets like that? i'm sick and tired of her tantrums, of her aggressiveness, of her attitude, of her being so unreasonable. why is it that..for so long i've wanted it to happen..but for so long it didnt. and when it finally did, it's too late. why is it that i'm so bothered. why is it that she is doing this? just her nature? because she wants to? i feel cheated. lied to. deceited. and she doesn't even bother when i walked away.
i'm so tired. tired of having no one to talk to. i just wanna sit there and cry. and cry. and cry. where is everybody when i need them? no one's there. i'm tired of trying to hold on together, of trying to hold things together for people, of listening to people but having no one to do that to me. i just wanna cry.

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ostensibly ephemerally tainted.
@ |10:17 am|
Monday, March 07, 2005

once a saint, always a saint..? haiz. i spent about 3 months in sajc. yup. i complained abt my class. i complained abt the long journey. but i really like sa. i will never forget the times shared with people in my og..joo yeow..adeline..caleb..jieying..valmond..blah blah blah and so on..and also..surprisingly, my class. yeah my class's a bloody nerd class. i do not deny that. and i do not deny tt i hate being in my class. but well..spending so much time with them for so long..bound to have feelings no? im not like that heartless frederick. haha..haiz..it's not tt i wanna leave sa..it's juz too far..yeah..and the teachers..like sorta suck. once a saint, always a saint? i hope. i wun be in sa anymore. soon..i'll no longer be part of the 'saint' family. sounds corny. but im sad. haiz.
looking at all the photos we took..looking at my class..looking at the ppl who r staying talk abt how everyone is leaving..it's really sad. sighs. come to think of it..a lot a lot of ppl are leaving. not tt i blame them. but well..the scholars have got to stay. haiz. all the times i spent in sa..i guess..fri's gonna be my last day..or maybe tml..
oh man..reminds mi of the orientation theme song..'our lives'.

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@ |10:06 pm|
Saturday, March 05, 2005

yeah so i chose nj aj sa..ahahah..the rest of the choices are redundant anyway.

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@ |8:58 pm|
Friday, March 04, 2005

hee..i'm happy happy..heehee..=)

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@ |6:49 pm|
Wednesday, March 02, 2005

hahaz..yeah..happy..6 a1s..2 a2s..1 b3..and the b3 has got to be my english..hahahaz..nice ar..so my l1r5 8. hahahaz..happy larz..sheldon gonna treat mi..welvyn gonna treat mi..and my sis's frens brought mi out for dinner..hahahaz..their puppies sooooooooooooooo cute..haahaha..so now very fan abt which jc to go..damn fan..really dunno where to go..cant make it to hc anyway. yeah..heee..but past few days very happy oso. hahahaha..yeah den dunno tml shld go class (as in the ever nerdy 05s51) outing at east coast or go st john..haiz..st john..got meeting abt camp..and i promised ma'am to go back..haiz..i probbaly go east coast a while den go for st john le.. yup.
den today went to watch howl's moving castle with sarah. omg!!! so nice!!!!!!!!! hahaha..i love it eh. heeez..i wanna go watch again!!! hahaha..nice nice..
but den again..with the release of the results and everything..somehow i have this feeling inside mi tt tells mi it's really over. my sec sch days are really over. cos after the st john camp, i wun be going back to st john anymore either. i wun be going back to the sch regularly anymore. a new chapter has started..a new life has started..and im still at a dilemma abt it. sighs. i miss everyone a lot..

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@ |12:39 am|