//.she died long ago deep down inside.

*.life.story. *

Sunday, October 10, 2004

it's been a long time since i last wrote in here..
today i went to meet daniel..something i've been wanting to do for the past 3 years..to meet him..see him for..probably the last time ever. but somehow..i didnt wanna see him too..i dun wanna look at the kind of person he's become..cos..i thought to myself..that maybe..perhaps..not seeing him maintains a good image of him..a good memory of him in my mind and my heart always. he is just my classmate in p5 and p6. perhaps he doesnt remember the times we chat on the phone..perhaps he doesnt remember eveyrthing that happened in pri sch..not that i do..i just have blurred memory of everything.
he hasnt changed. in terms of looks. he's still tall..tanned..juz as i remembered him to be. he started telling mi abt the sch..abt how fighting and police coming to the sch is like everyday life..abt how much wenni changed..how she smokes and drinks..how she joined gang..how she beat a girl up till she vomitted blood..how she got her head slammed onto the wall by his fren. abt how fights are so common in the sch..how the 7 discipline masters can do nothing..how a lot of ppl are on probation..how he drinks regularly..how he picked up smoking again after quitting 'for fun'..how a soccer match almost turned out into a fight and the police coming only after everything's over. it reminds mi abt all that junlong said abt his sch.
suddenly, i feel like we're all so sheltered in our sch. we noe nothing abt all this. all those bengs and lians..or rather..those act bengs and act lians are all juz crap..nothing..juz act. they dun even dare to do anything..while..his frens..will juz whack..beat.
it shocks mi to the kinda violence and the extent of it in a sec sch in this time..and it shocks mi to noe how much my pri sch fren..my classmate for 4 years of my 6 years of pri sch time turned out to be lidat. i feel like we're so sheltered..so naive..so..crap. i noe in their eyes we're juz idiots concerned with our results.
den i looked at him. y is it tt he drinks? he smokes? cos it's nice? cos he likes it? i noe it's not my problem..i noe it's none of my business..i noe i shldnt even be interfering..but so wat? u noe..i thought abt his family. he's rich. he can juz take a cab to meet me cos he's late. he can juz go to bar to buy drinks and drink..buy liquor regularly..he can juz go overseas to get a degree if he cant get into a poly..is it his upbringing? or is it influence? i dunno..i dunno how i feel now..
y is it tt a 16-year-old's life can be so different from another? when both are in a sec sch? how can a sch differ so much from another? y muz them resort to gangs and fights and violence when i've never even seen someone fight in my entire life, they are seeing it almost everyday. i keep thinking abt reasoning..how ppl shldnt do this and so on..but i noe in their eyes i am juz another idiot tt they cant be bothered abt. i duno. i dunno wat im typing.
he is not the guy i knew 4 5 years ago. he is not the guy i wan him to be. he is not the guy i hoped he'll be. he's still as much a spendthrift as last time. he's still as rebellious. he's still living a lavish life. he still has the same attitude towards things. he still doesnt care abt his studies. he's still pretty much same as before. but he's not the daniel i knew.
i'm so overwhelmed..i dunno wat to say anymore. when i saw him take out his cigarette and smoke, i wanted to get away from him. i wanted to snatch it away from him and throw it away. i wanted to make him stop smoking right away. i wanted him to listen to mi and stop drinking and stop smoking..not wait until he's sick of smoking. i hate so see people smoke. not to say my frens. he knows it's something he shldnt be doing. but he's bored. i know i can't make him change. i don't know.
oh man..............................................................................................................................

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ostensibly ephemerally tainted.
@ |10:45 pm|